Happiness, Work, and Ambition

"Perhaps I also [am happy], since I seem to have a sunny disposition despite my nihilism and crushing awareness of the evil of mankind. But neither of us is going to mention it. Anyone who proclaims his or her happiness is most unlikely to be so, because the happy don't use words. Words are used exclusively by those locked into the concept of achievement. This concept is evidence of our hyper-evolution: we want to be what we are not, and we will destroy the whole planet in the attempt to turn our fantasy into grim reality."

-http://www.beyond-the-pale.co.uk/happiness.htm

What an interesting concept. Here I am buying all of these self-help books from people who claim to be happy or try to give happiness tips and maybe they're not really happy either! It almost feels like a "duh!" proclamation but sometimes we need those to get through our heads.

another gem from the same site:


"If money produced happiness, everyone would be giving it away and it would have no value.

Scientists" have just discovered that the receptor-spots for pleasure/happiness, and for desire are in different places in the brain. So desire has nothing to do with happiness - nor has the fulfilment of desire, which is why the successful are no happier than everyone else. This seriously undermines the thinking behind capitalism!

Another reason why the successful are often unhappy (or at least eaten up with desire and ambition) is that they are successful only in climbing greasy poles and doing down their peers and anyone they see as 'competition', and to maintain this success they not only have to (literally) 'sell their souls' but have to work like hell to stay up the greasy pole. Is George W. Bush a happy man ? Is George Rumfeld or Condoleeza Rice ? Is any million- or billion-aire you have ever heard of ? Come to that, is there anyone whose biography you know even just a little, who could be described as 'happy' ? I cannot think of any famous or famously good person whom I could describe as 'happy'. Mother Teresa ? Definitely not: her life was given over to publicitous self-sacrifice. Mark Rothko, creator of some of the most wonderfully 'spiritual' art ever created, was profoundly miserable. Diogenes of Sinope - perhaps the wisest and most authentic human being in recorded history - was not a happy bunny, either. Chögyam Trungpa (the very wise and perceptive Tibetan mentioned above, who founded a prestigious college and publishing housein Colorado) was a predatory womaniser and a drunkard. Osho, the Maharishi, all those who went to Esalen, and the entire tomfoolery of Christian, Muslim and Buddhist saints are not famous for their happiness, but for what they said or wrote, suffered or endured. Certainly the wisest man known to me, who refuses to be a teacher since he rightly teaches that all teachers are bogus by definition, who refuses to have acolytes, followers, groupies, PhD students, publishers or others who can find their own wisdom if they would just adjust their vision and apply themselves, is not a happy man. Who can be merely happy, knowing that this planet of pain is screaming deafeningly - and all but a few of us are deaf."

The bolded part above really speaks to me because the more I read about people who have overcome great odds to "make it" the more tired I feel. I don't envy them I just feel sad thinking about how they will never be able to get back all the time they spent working towards "making it." And, even worse, they'll never get to stop! Once you start get comfortable after a period of success, there are many people willing to work twice as hard to take your place and no one will have any sympathy for you if/once that happens. I really can't help but ask: what's the point of it all? This one of the reasons that corporations behave in such unethical ways, because if they don't, there's another company waiting to take their place who will. 

And what's even scarier is that as the population increases, this competition will only get worse! Here's a gallup article that says as much. The gist is that the most important thing that determines an individuals well-being in the modern world is the possession of a good job. And according to the article, there are only 1.2 billion full-time formal jobs and there are 3 billion adults who want them. 

http://www.gallup.com/poll/146639/worldwide-good-jobs-linked-higher-wellbeing.aspx

the challenge and gratitude: days 2 and 3

Day 2:
Not a success. As you can see, I didn't even get to write about how I didn't complete the challenge!

Also, I received a screening call from a company I applied to and told them that I would not be able to speak then (I was out and didn't have access to any of my job hunting stuff). They said I could call back and schedule an interview. According to my sweetheart, this was the absolutely wrong thing to do. I should have taken that call then no matter what the situation. It also didn't help that recruiter called when I had already gone over all of my daytime minutes for the month. 

So all in all it wasn't that good of a day. And I even got rather stressed and started having thoughts of "I'm a failure" and "I can never do anything right" towards the end of it.

Day 3:

Much better. At work today I used some of my down time to do some reading about business analysis.

I rested a bit once I got home and then applied for a few jobs; I never keep account.

I'm glad today was a success because I needed that boost to counteract yesterday. I also need it because nursing school resumes in less than 48 hours and I am still without a job. But I'm not giving up hope.

via icanread

update: just realized I forgot to write a note of gratitude for yesterday and today! But I'm going to do the one for today right now!

Recognizing thought patterns

I was talking to a friend today and was reminded how differently I think than other people. She was sharing with me that she recently held her new baby cousin and felt "her uterus contract" (meaning that she now has a case of baby rabies).

We kept talking and I asked her if she ever worried about having kids considering current and future economic, environmental, and political conditions. She told me that she doesn't think things will get really bad during the lifetime of her kids. When I dug a little deeper she admitted that she really doesn't think about things like this at all and that all she thinks about is being financially able to provide for her kids a life that will save them from a lot of hardships.

I couldn't help but think about why our thought processes are so different. It is also my goal to make sure that I am able to provide for any of my future children in a way that will make their lives easier but I can't separate that from the general state of the world.

Or can I?

Some background: my friend comes from a developing nation but is very, very privileged by any standard. We met at a top-tier university. Her parents paid all of  the extremely expensive tuition for her and her sister. The only reason I was able to afford to go was due to the school's very generous financial aid policy for economically disadvantaged students. So I know that we come from very different worlds. Yet I don't think that's what explains the different way we see risks involving children. Most people seem to see the world the way she does. From the poorest to the most prosperous. No matter what their current circumstances, people continue to procreate and the grim forecasts for the future seem to have even less impact on people's decisions concerning procreation.

Why am I different? Why do I think this way? I'm scared to ask but what's wrong with me?

After talking to my friend today I am even more motivated to change my patterns of thought. I'm not trying to become super positive but I don't want to always think of the negative first and foremost.

I want to become more like my friend and only think about what's best for myself, family, and other people who I care about. There's a huge part of me that feels that that's selfish but I can't see any good that my current "unselfish" state has done for myself or anyone else. Especially recently since I am no longer involved in any activist activities.

the challenge and gratitude: day 1

Today was a success! I almost didn't make it to the 3 hour mark but then I did! I also wrote in my gratitude journal and started my day with some kundalini yoga.

It wasn't a bad day.

How I spent my 3 hours:
I applied to 5+ jobs. I received an email from company I applied to before requesting a phone interview on Tuesday. I did some research on the company and their products to prepare. I did some general reading on business analysis. 

I also received a rejection email from another company but it's cool.

I'm quite ready for day 2!

via icanread

the challenge and gratitude

I'm going to use this blog for accountability. For the next month (until Saturday, February 9, 2013; wow! Still can't believe we're already in 2013! Even more motivation to really start getting things done in my life.) I will spend a set amount of time every day working on my  main goal: to get a good-paying job and then quit nursing school (it's just not for me).

the rules:

School days (starting from next week, Monday-Thursday): 1 hr/day applying for jobs and/or studying subjects that will make me more marketable career-wise.

• I think this is a fair amount of time for school days. Nursing school takes up so much time that I don't want to set an unattainable goal for myself and since I've been applying and getting some responses back I hope to have a job before this the end of this month.

Non-school days (Friday, weekends, any school holidays): 3 hrs/day applying for jobs and/or studying subjects that will make me more marketable career-wise.

I must blog about what I do or don't get done every day until I either reach my goal of gainful employment or until Saturday, February 9, 2013. 

This won't be easy but I know I can do it. I feel like I'm soooo close to reaching my employment goal but there's just this little 'hump' that I need to get over. To be honest, I've come pretty far and mostly due to the encouragement of my beloved. I didn't even think I would be able to get a job at all and just by putting my resume out there and writing a few cover letters I am already receiving call backs. I would like to have a received a job offer by now but that's truly okay. I know that good jobs don't come easy and great jobs even less so.

I'm looking forward to this and will see y'all tomorrow. I think I'll even add "writing in my gratitude journal daily" to this challenge.

I don't know why, but I'm always surprised by how good I feel about a fresh start. Especially when I put it in writing.

I wonder

is it possible to become a more positive person without losing your sense of compassion for others? And I mean true compassion where you really try to understand the negative places that a person and their feelings are coming from without immediately trying to change their views or force them to be positive.

This is one of the things that keeps me from jumping with both feet into the whole "law of attraction" and "you get what your mind focuses on" philosophy.

I just don't see that. Most people are where they are due to the socioeconomic conditions of their family members for generations. People can change those conditions but the amount of work and, even more importantly, the mindset change that it takes to overcome those conditions are absolutely extraordinary and they can't be whittle down to "you become what you think about." This doesn't even include the people of all socioeconomic conditions who are hit with random, horrible and negative events.

I just feel there's already so little compassion in this world for people who are hurting for a variety of reasons that they didn't ask for.

Yet I want to be positive. I want to see meaning in this world for myself. I want to see parenthood in a positive life.

I look at certain people who just seem to have so much motivation to get things done and I wonder where it comes from. I just don't have it. I can think of things I would be interested in doing but they all seem to take so much effort to get somewhere meaningful. Which I think is okay if you enjoy "effort" part but I don't. Soooo I'm not sure what to do. And I can't remain still because I'm not in the position to do that and survive in this world.

I wonder where I can get this motivation since I wasn't born with it. (I honestly believe there are people who were born very motivated and more intelligent than average and those are the people who escape levels of ridiculous poverty to become ridiculously wealthy. It goes so much farther than  hard work.)

Maybe I'll even make this blog an accountability partner in terms of motivation.

Stay tuned.

When the door is so wide open...

This photo is so relevant to me right now. I still don't have the motivation level that I would like to have but I am making definite steps moving myself out of my current unhappy life situation into a much happier one. I am so grateful for my sweetheart who has been supporting and encouraging me in all of this. I won't even say that I wish I had done all of this earlier because I am so happy that I am doing it now.

I still don't have an overly positive view of life but I am becoming more content with life and my position it. Especially as I move towards creating the life I want. After months of mental self-flagellation I have forgiven myself for a huge mistake I made earlier last year. I made a mistake but I am not that mistake and that mistake has given me a much more compassionate and less judgmental view on human shortcomings.

The next time I write here I plan to be in a new job, have quit nursing school, and be living with my love.

light and love