Morals and Guilt

Guilt is a weird thing. Two people can engage in the exact same behavior while one feels intense guilt about the situation and the other feels nothing. And of course other people will have feelings everywhere else along that spectrum.

If I allowed myself, I would feel guilty about everything. It's so easy for me to see the negative effects of my actions. To be honest, I still feel guilty about a lot of things in my life but I just submerge those feelings in order to go on with life. I used to think about living on a farm somewhere and growing all of my own food, making my own clothes, etc in order to avoid buying items made with sweat shop labor. I even used to wonder how I would get metal and other materials I couldn't make myself while still avoiding sweatshop labor and oil. Yes I'm that weird and think that deeply about both practical and moral issues (my life would be so much simpler if I only thought deeply about one or if I used surface level thinking for both).

I asked a friend to be a reference for a job that I'm very close to getting. This job would be the beginning of an actual career for me: benefits, a salary, etc. I asked a friend to basically lie for me. I asked her to pretend to be my current colleague for a place I used to intern at. Once she realized what I was asking for, she told me she couldn't do it and said "my conscious would bother me and drive me crazy." She did offer to be a personal reference.

It's a weird thing. This person is very privileged. She is the friend I mentioned in this post. I will give some numbers that I did not give in the other post. The total COA (cost of attendance) for the university where we met was $50,000 per year. Tuition by itself was $34,000 per year. So total COA (over 4 years) for both my friend and her sister would equal roughly $400,000! Actually it would be a little more because the numbers I have given were from a our freshman year and of course all of these costs increase every year. Her parents paid for all of it out of pocket.

I remember asking her years ago if she ever felt bad about the poor people in her home country. She mumbled something about there being resources available for them. (Needless to say that this was when I still had a rather naive view of the world.) Basically she didn't feel bad for them.

Now her home country is rather poor and even just a small fraction of the money spent on her college education (not to speak of all of her private school education before that) could have made an IMMENSE difference in the lives of many people there. Even in the US it could make a great difference. And with the money left she still could have gone to a top-notch college.

And for this she feels not a drop of guilt (at least as far as I can tell). She also travels back and forth (by air) between her home country and the US fairly often and doesn't think of all the environmental damage she is contributing to and the many lives that have been ruined due to oil exploration. And of course she wears the same sweatshop clothes and eats the same factory farm meat and vegetables produced by exploited workers without a second thought.

And yet her conscience won't allow her to lie to help a friend obtain a job. Now I need to clarify that I'm not saying she has a duty, moral or otherwise, to help me. I just find it so interesting the seemingly random resting points of the average person's moral compass.

I guess she would be considered a deontologist while I'm a utilitarian (I think).

Earlier today I found myself watching a YouTube video of young lady discussing how she dresses modestly for the Lord. She named a bunch of mainstream stores. Not once was the topic of the treatment of the workers brought up. And this for a video that is all about moral issues. Apparently the Lord doesn't care if you wear sweatshop clothes as long as they are modest sweatshop clothes.

People are truly the same everywhere.

The old me would resent my friend for not helping me but the wiser me knows better. There will probably still be some resentment but I will (try to) keep it artfully hidden for when I need her for something else.

More than anything, I just find human beings so tiring.

Thankfully I have other options for references. I'll keep you guys updated on how the job situation turns out.

Ideas, ideas and a new job

So as usual, I have a bunch of ideas floating around in my head.

I will be starting another blog soon and just spent the last hour researching good, affordable tripods for tall folks. I plan to do a lot of photography on my new blog. My husband already has a higher-end point and shoot camera that he never uses. It's bigger than the smaller point and shoots so I just assumed it was a DSLR. Shows how much I know about photography, lol. But everyone started somewhere and I'm so inspired by the young women I mentioned here. If they can do it, so can I. I don't want to give too many details about the blog but I expect it to be GOOD.

Also, I have a new job. It's nothing I'm too excited about but I think it's good for me to get out of the house. It's a cold calling, data center job but at least since the company has a tech focus, I am learning a lot about new technology.

This wasn't supposed to be a gratitude post but my few days of on-the-job training have made me grateful that working at a place like this isn't my only option in life and that I have a husband who makes enough to comfortably support both of us.

I've also been wearing makeup on a daily basis. I think I will start recording myself on my webcam just to see my regular mannerisms.

Intentional Busyness

I have an agenda for this upcoming week.

I'm doing another blog-free week. I was able to complete one the week before last and I don't know if I was technically more productive but I did spend more time away from the computer. At least until towards the end when I spent a lot of time watching TV shows online.

Along with being blog-free I also plan to do the following on a daily basis:

• Exercise
• Meditate
• Continue to fix up our new apartment
• Pay a bill
• Continue applying to and following up with jobs
• Cook and clean
• Keep in touch with friends
• Make time to be outside when the weather allows 
• Work on a creative project (maybe something like this; I love magazines and have thought about doing a zine for years!)
• Stop pulling on my hair
• Etc (I'll think of more stuff later)

The main objective is to keep busy so I don't think too much. I'm definitely a ponderer and while don't know if I will ever fundamentally change, I'll do my best to take steps in another direction. 

Well I will let you know how it goes.

the challenge and gratitude: days 2 and 3

Day 2:
Not a success. As you can see, I didn't even get to write about how I didn't complete the challenge!

Also, I received a screening call from a company I applied to and told them that I would not be able to speak then (I was out and didn't have access to any of my job hunting stuff). They said I could call back and schedule an interview. According to my sweetheart, this was the absolutely wrong thing to do. I should have taken that call then no matter what the situation. It also didn't help that recruiter called when I had already gone over all of my daytime minutes for the month. 

So all in all it wasn't that good of a day. And I even got rather stressed and started having thoughts of "I'm a failure" and "I can never do anything right" towards the end of it.

Day 3:

Much better. At work today I used some of my down time to do some reading about business analysis.

I rested a bit once I got home and then applied for a few jobs; I never keep account.

I'm glad today was a success because I needed that boost to counteract yesterday. I also need it because nursing school resumes in less than 48 hours and I am still without a job. But I'm not giving up hope.

via icanread

update: just realized I forgot to write a note of gratitude for yesterday and today! But I'm going to do the one for today right now!

the challenge and gratitude: day 1

Today was a success! I almost didn't make it to the 3 hour mark but then I did! I also wrote in my gratitude journal and started my day with some kundalini yoga.

It wasn't a bad day.

How I spent my 3 hours:
I applied to 5+ jobs. I received an email from company I applied to before requesting a phone interview on Tuesday. I did some research on the company and their products to prepare. I did some general reading on business analysis. 

I also received a rejection email from another company but it's cool.

I'm quite ready for day 2!

via icanread

the challenge and gratitude

I'm going to use this blog for accountability. For the next month (until Saturday, February 9, 2013; wow! Still can't believe we're already in 2013! Even more motivation to really start getting things done in my life.) I will spend a set amount of time every day working on my  main goal: to get a good-paying job and then quit nursing school (it's just not for me).

the rules:

School days (starting from next week, Monday-Thursday): 1 hr/day applying for jobs and/or studying subjects that will make me more marketable career-wise.

• I think this is a fair amount of time for school days. Nursing school takes up so much time that I don't want to set an unattainable goal for myself and since I've been applying and getting some responses back I hope to have a job before this the end of this month.

Non-school days (Friday, weekends, any school holidays): 3 hrs/day applying for jobs and/or studying subjects that will make me more marketable career-wise.

I must blog about what I do or don't get done every day until I either reach my goal of gainful employment or until Saturday, February 9, 2013. 

This won't be easy but I know I can do it. I feel like I'm soooo close to reaching my employment goal but there's just this little 'hump' that I need to get over. To be honest, I've come pretty far and mostly due to the encouragement of my beloved. I didn't even think I would be able to get a job at all and just by putting my resume out there and writing a few cover letters I am already receiving call backs. I would like to have a received a job offer by now but that's truly okay. I know that good jobs don't come easy and great jobs even less so.

I'm looking forward to this and will see y'all tomorrow. I think I'll even add "writing in my gratitude journal daily" to this challenge.

I don't know why, but I'm always surprised by how good I feel about a fresh start. Especially when I put it in writing.