the challenge and gratitude: days 2 and 3

Day 2:
Not a success. As you can see, I didn't even get to write about how I didn't complete the challenge!

Also, I received a screening call from a company I applied to and told them that I would not be able to speak then (I was out and didn't have access to any of my job hunting stuff). They said I could call back and schedule an interview. According to my sweetheart, this was the absolutely wrong thing to do. I should have taken that call then no matter what the situation. It also didn't help that recruiter called when I had already gone over all of my daytime minutes for the month. 

So all in all it wasn't that good of a day. And I even got rather stressed and started having thoughts of "I'm a failure" and "I can never do anything right" towards the end of it.

Day 3:

Much better. At work today I used some of my down time to do some reading about business analysis.

I rested a bit once I got home and then applied for a few jobs; I never keep account.

I'm glad today was a success because I needed that boost to counteract yesterday. I also need it because nursing school resumes in less than 48 hours and I am still without a job. But I'm not giving up hope.

via icanread

update: just realized I forgot to write a note of gratitude for yesterday and today! But I'm going to do the one for today right now!

Recognizing thought patterns

I was talking to a friend today and was reminded how differently I think than other people. She was sharing with me that she recently held her new baby cousin and felt "her uterus contract" (meaning that she now has a case of baby rabies).

We kept talking and I asked her if she ever worried about having kids considering current and future economic, environmental, and political conditions. She told me that she doesn't think things will get really bad during the lifetime of her kids. When I dug a little deeper she admitted that she really doesn't think about things like this at all and that all she thinks about is being financially able to provide for her kids a life that will save them from a lot of hardships.

I couldn't help but think about why our thought processes are so different. It is also my goal to make sure that I am able to provide for any of my future children in a way that will make their lives easier but I can't separate that from the general state of the world.

Or can I?

Some background: my friend comes from a developing nation but is very, very privileged by any standard. We met at a top-tier university. Her parents paid all of  the extremely expensive tuition for her and her sister. The only reason I was able to afford to go was due to the school's very generous financial aid policy for economically disadvantaged students. So I know that we come from very different worlds. Yet I don't think that's what explains the different way we see risks involving children. Most people seem to see the world the way she does. From the poorest to the most prosperous. No matter what their current circumstances, people continue to procreate and the grim forecasts for the future seem to have even less impact on people's decisions concerning procreation.

Why am I different? Why do I think this way? I'm scared to ask but what's wrong with me?

After talking to my friend today I am even more motivated to change my patterns of thought. I'm not trying to become super positive but I don't want to always think of the negative first and foremost.

I want to become more like my friend and only think about what's best for myself, family, and other people who I care about. There's a huge part of me that feels that that's selfish but I can't see any good that my current "unselfish" state has done for myself or anyone else. Especially recently since I am no longer involved in any activist activities.

the challenge and gratitude: day 1

Today was a success! I almost didn't make it to the 3 hour mark but then I did! I also wrote in my gratitude journal and started my day with some kundalini yoga.

It wasn't a bad day.

How I spent my 3 hours:
I applied to 5+ jobs. I received an email from company I applied to before requesting a phone interview on Tuesday. I did some research on the company and their products to prepare. I did some general reading on business analysis. 

I also received a rejection email from another company but it's cool.

I'm quite ready for day 2!

via icanread

the challenge and gratitude

I'm going to use this blog for accountability. For the next month (until Saturday, February 9, 2013; wow! Still can't believe we're already in 2013! Even more motivation to really start getting things done in my life.) I will spend a set amount of time every day working on my  main goal: to get a good-paying job and then quit nursing school (it's just not for me).

the rules:

School days (starting from next week, Monday-Thursday): 1 hr/day applying for jobs and/or studying subjects that will make me more marketable career-wise.

• I think this is a fair amount of time for school days. Nursing school takes up so much time that I don't want to set an unattainable goal for myself and since I've been applying and getting some responses back I hope to have a job before this the end of this month.

Non-school days (Friday, weekends, any school holidays): 3 hrs/day applying for jobs and/or studying subjects that will make me more marketable career-wise.

I must blog about what I do or don't get done every day until I either reach my goal of gainful employment or until Saturday, February 9, 2013. 

This won't be easy but I know I can do it. I feel like I'm soooo close to reaching my employment goal but there's just this little 'hump' that I need to get over. To be honest, I've come pretty far and mostly due to the encouragement of my beloved. I didn't even think I would be able to get a job at all and just by putting my resume out there and writing a few cover letters I am already receiving call backs. I would like to have a received a job offer by now but that's truly okay. I know that good jobs don't come easy and great jobs even less so.

I'm looking forward to this and will see y'all tomorrow. I think I'll even add "writing in my gratitude journal daily" to this challenge.

I don't know why, but I'm always surprised by how good I feel about a fresh start. Especially when I put it in writing.

I wonder

is it possible to become a more positive person without losing your sense of compassion for others? And I mean true compassion where you really try to understand the negative places that a person and their feelings are coming from without immediately trying to change their views or force them to be positive.

This is one of the things that keeps me from jumping with both feet into the whole "law of attraction" and "you get what your mind focuses on" philosophy.

I just don't see that. Most people are where they are due to the socioeconomic conditions of their family members for generations. People can change those conditions but the amount of work and, even more importantly, the mindset change that it takes to overcome those conditions are absolutely extraordinary and they can't be whittle down to "you become what you think about." This doesn't even include the people of all socioeconomic conditions who are hit with random, horrible and negative events.

I just feel there's already so little compassion in this world for people who are hurting for a variety of reasons that they didn't ask for.

Yet I want to be positive. I want to see meaning in this world for myself. I want to see parenthood in a positive life.

I look at certain people who just seem to have so much motivation to get things done and I wonder where it comes from. I just don't have it. I can think of things I would be interested in doing but they all seem to take so much effort to get somewhere meaningful. Which I think is okay if you enjoy "effort" part but I don't. Soooo I'm not sure what to do. And I can't remain still because I'm not in the position to do that and survive in this world.

I wonder where I can get this motivation since I wasn't born with it. (I honestly believe there are people who were born very motivated and more intelligent than average and those are the people who escape levels of ridiculous poverty to become ridiculously wealthy. It goes so much farther than  hard work.)

Maybe I'll even make this blog an accountability partner in terms of motivation.

Stay tuned.

When the door is so wide open...

This photo is so relevant to me right now. I still don't have the motivation level that I would like to have but I am making definite steps moving myself out of my current unhappy life situation into a much happier one. I am so grateful for my sweetheart who has been supporting and encouraging me in all of this. I won't even say that I wish I had done all of this earlier because I am so happy that I am doing it now.

I still don't have an overly positive view of life but I am becoming more content with life and my position it. Especially as I move towards creating the life I want. After months of mental self-flagellation I have forgiven myself for a huge mistake I made earlier last year. I made a mistake but I am not that mistake and that mistake has given me a much more compassionate and less judgmental view on human shortcomings.

The next time I write here I plan to be in a new job, have quit nursing school, and be living with my love.

light and love

Sashay

It's been awhile.

Again.

I'm just in a wonderful mood today and truly feel like saying "la di da la la"

After hating it, I'm settling into nursing school and looking forward to the opportunities that graduation in a year will afford me.

I also decided today that I will attend an alumni event next week even though it's far from where I live and it takes place the afternoon before I have a test and a check off. I could use that as an excuse to not go but I've been using too many excuses and that's why haven't done any socializing in months. I love keeping in touch with my college friends but I also need to have flesh and blood friends that I can socialize and hang out with.

I'm looking forward to dressing up and doing my hair for the alumni event and I've been very inspired by these looks by Song of Style:





I plan to wear a dress but I adore these looks. The femininity, the edge, and the accessories.

Not sure there's much more to say. Just that I'm still working on a way I can make and save more money while I am in school.

I won't allow a 5 day full time school schedule, working Sat and Sun, and little money stop me from enjoying life. I'll do it all and save enough for a Latin American adventure late summer next year. Promise.