Transformation

I think I'm experiencing yet another transformation. My social justice period might finally be winding to a close. I'm starting to experience the same change I went through when I transitioned out of Christianity. At first I looked more deeply into Christianity attempting to find something that negated the obvious flaws, hypocrisy, and unfairness of the Bible and those who to adhere to it. Obviously, I didn't. Even from biblical teachers I personally trusted, I received a lot of emotionally-based explanations. The answers outside of those were either of the "you can't understand God's plan/ways/etc". or worse.

After a dip into the pool of militant atheism, I finally realized that people believe in God because they WANT to believe in God (well as much a person can want something when free will doesn't exist; but I will talk about that later). They believe in him past all manner of reason and sense. Their view of God is actually EXTREMELY SELFISH. It still freaks me out how people can go about worshipping a God that not only allows all matter of horrors and evils to happen in this world but (according to the majority of Christian denominations) is going to burn and torture the vast, vast majority of humans FOREVER (although I must add that not all denominations believe in the doctrine of hell. If I recall correctly, Jehovah's Witnesses and Seventh Day Adventists both believe that non-believers will simply be annihilated [both body and soul] on Judgment Day. There's also the concept of Christian Universalism). And they are okay with all of this as long as they get to have a personal relationship with God on earth and to live in heaven forever. In total, people are pretty much monsters and their monstrous beliefs lead to the world we have today.

What I am basically trying to say is that I am mistaken in trying to help people. From what I've observed, most people are okay and praise life no matter how bad their particular situation is. I am the one who can't just 'deal' no matter what situation I am in. If most people don't have minimum standards for their life (in terms of what they are willing to put up with) why should I try to force those upon them? I need to work on forming a life that meets my own particularly high standards. I will still probably always feel something for children who are unwanted and not prepared for the crazy and cruel world we live in, but I also need to remember that these poor kids will turn into adults who also have no minimum standards for their lives. They will become the adults who would rather be born into the most unfortunate situation than not be born at all.

Again, why should I try to force my (obviously very abnormal) standards on them?

Also, it's becoming increasingly clear to me that very few people actually care about justice in any real way. They only care when something unjust happens to them. They would be just as happy to ignore if it was happening to someone else and they will surely encourage it if they believe they will benefit in some way. The more I think about it, the more I realize that helping someone just gives them more opportunity to be an exploiter in this world.

And what's the point of that?

As I mentioned before, I don't really believe in the concept of free will so I can't really blame them for wanting to live no matter what. It's not really them wanting to live as much as it is their genes carrying them towards thoughtless reproduction.

I think this transformation will take longer than my social justice transformation but I believe it must occur because a social justice mindset just doesn't make any sense in this world.

I hope this post doesn't sound like I am turning into a hard-core republican. I'm not sure what I'm becoming, I just know I'm changing.

Ideas, ideas and a new job

So as usual, I have a bunch of ideas floating around in my head.

I will be starting another blog soon and just spent the last hour researching good, affordable tripods for tall folks. I plan to do a lot of photography on my new blog. My husband already has a higher-end point and shoot camera that he never uses. It's bigger than the smaller point and shoots so I just assumed it was a DSLR. Shows how much I know about photography, lol. But everyone started somewhere and I'm so inspired by the young women I mentioned here. If they can do it, so can I. I don't want to give too many details about the blog but I expect it to be GOOD.

Also, I have a new job. It's nothing I'm too excited about but I think it's good for me to get out of the house. It's a cold calling, data center job but at least since the company has a tech focus, I am learning a lot about new technology.

This wasn't supposed to be a gratitude post but my few days of on-the-job training have made me grateful that working at a place like this isn't my only option in life and that I have a husband who makes enough to comfortably support both of us.

I've also been wearing makeup on a daily basis. I think I will start recording myself on my webcam just to see my regular mannerisms.

I have no intrinsic motivation

I'm realizing that this is one of my biggest problems. I believe it is why I get tired so easily and find it hard to put forth the great amount of energy that is needed to make it is in this economy.

I'm even finding it very difficult to even finish writing this.

I'm trying to figure out how to obtain or create in myself intrinsic motivation. Back when I had intrinsic motivation I took it for granted. I've talked about what used to motivate me before but I and my views of the world have changed a lot since then and I honestly don't think it's possible to go back to that way of thinking even if I want to (and I'm not sure that I do).

I need to connect my current interests to what I do on a daily basis. Also, I need to connect my future career to something I'm interested in. I'm too realistic to think that my interests will be the direct source of my income but they need to have some kind of connection to said income. I spend a lot of my time online now reading blogs on lifestyle, fashion, and pessimism (it's an interesting mix). So these are obviously the things I have a natural interest in. I remember back in college when a friend brought up that she didn't really think that  I had a true passion for becoming a doctor because I spent almost none of my free time on subjects related to healthcare. At the time I balked at her assertion but looking back I kinda have to agree with her. While she spent a lot of her time on sites like studentdoctor.com, I spent most of my time on sites related to social justice and vegetarianism (I became a vegetarian right before I left home for college and stayed one for about 2 years). The closest I came to reading regularly about health was more related to natural healing methods. Looking back, I've NEVER been intrinsically interested in allopathic medicine. It was just something I said I wanted to do as a kid that was then HEAVILY encouraged by my mother.

My experience in nursing school showed me first hand that any kind of patient clinical practice is just not for me.

I still haven't figured out exactly what I'm going to school for. I know I want it to be in STEM but I also must connect it to something I am interested in or else I KNOW I will not be able to put forth the effort needed to succeed. I don't have strong math and science skills so I will really need that intrinsic motivation to push me through the more difficult aspects of my upcoming time in school. I will also need that motivation to get out there and do all the networking and interning that I should have done my first time in college. And I still need to find a job!

Right now I'm heavily considering majoring in Information Systems. I just purchased an intro book on Information Systems from Amazon. Wish me luck!

I'll leave you with a quote I read on another blog that I would really like to make my mantra:

"I am a driven, passionate and energetic person who loves all things chic. I believe in big dreams, taking action and that everyday is a new opportunity to design your beautiful life."

I must make all of this happen. I WILL make it happen.

Until next time.

So I'm changing up this site

NO MORE NEGATIVITY ON HERE.

I can't say that I will only be positive from now on but I will keep my more melancholy reflections in a private journal.

This blog was supposed to be about me becoming a more positive person but instead it is turning into the opposite. I will use this site for its original purpose as a log of my transformation from a rather negative person to a much more positive person. I don't that I will ever be a super positive person but I know that what I am doing now is not working for me or anyone else. My worrying and fretting about all of the pain and suffering in the world does nothing to change those situations and it is only contributing to making me miserable.

Enough.

I've decided I want a 'happy person glow.'  I'm already young and attractive so I'm sure that adding that 'glow' can only bring more opportunities. I have friend with said 'glow' and things always seem to go so well for her. I'm sure it's not the only reason but it certainly can't hurt. This is the same friend I mentioned in this post.

I'm excited about the possibilities for this blog. I started almost a year ago with such high expectations and I don't like where it's going. So, it's up to me to change it.

I really must make a change in my mindset. My current mindset is causing me to be devoid of energy  and I truly can't afford to be that way at this point in my life. As a young person who is not in the best financial position and who doesn't have strong career prospects, my choices and actions right now will set the stage for a lot of my future. In some ways I feel that I'm already falling behind but luckily I am still young and I have an absolutely fantastic and ambitious spouse.

There's still a lot of room for me to do great things in this world. I just need to do them and leave ineffective and unproductive thinking in the dust.