I live amongst zombies

I live amongst zombies. Every and anything is acceptable to them. They even praise God for all of it.

I really don't fit in here.

It's becoming increasingly apparent that I need to find some kind of meaning in my work in order to have some peace.

I must develop self-discipline so I can successfully run my own business. I understand that there's nothing particularly virtuous about things like hard work, networking, gaining skills, or self-discipline but I need these skills to even have a hope of escaping the life of a wage slave. In particular, the life of a low-paid wage slave. Working these types of jobs is killing me. I can't believe that I am paid barely livable wages in order to make another human being INSANELY rich. And the fact that I need a job in order to survive in this current economic set-up still doesn't change the fact that it is exploitation. The fact that this is what all employment (especially low-paid employment) is does not seem to bother most people but then again I'm not most people.

I'm not most people.

I'm not most people.

And that's okay. It doesn't make me better or worse than anyone else. I need to embrace my unique perspective of the world and find a way to thrive while I am here.

I've been saying this forever but I really do need to lead a more active life.

On a completely unrelated note, I recently reactivated my fb in order to invite certain people to my wedding and I was quickly reminded of why I quit. As soon as my wedding is over I'm deactivating again and even before then I am going to do my best to only spend a small amount of time on there. In the small time that I've reactivated, I've started comparing my life to that of others and feeling unpopular. Isn't funny how small a certain website can make you feel?

I'm looking forward to deactivating again and only knowing intimate details of my friends' lives.

Which reminds me that I need to cut down on my blog reading too.

Always Work Hard

I realize that I need to work for myself. I really am not meant to engage in low-paid labor. I would say that none of us are but some of my coworkers are not just content but feel the need to stand up for our bosses at any turn. All jobs feel like exploitation and low-paid ones are the WORST! They try to make up for the lack of financial compensation with a mixture of fake enthusiasm and fear. And these conditions are only going to worsen as the population increases and the number of jobs decrease due to increased mechanization. Also, employers are going to continue to put the jobs of two or three people onto one employee and they will accept it because they know that there are ten other people just waiting to take that job for even less money.

As this wise author put it: "We’ve been all fooling ourselves, while everything has gotten so shitty around us." All of this is going on and yet the general 'common sense' wisdom is still that of 'personal responsibility' even though no amount of personal responsibility is going to change the global people to jobs ratio. 

That being said, I'll dip into my optimism bias and say again that I must start my own business. I'll say this (and try to believe it) even though the majority of businesses fail. And many of the ones that don't fail make just enough to keep going. Way back in the beginning of this blog I wrote a post about starting my own consulting business. I don't know if I want to stick with that idea but I do know that I need to be doing my own thing. This nine to five life (ESPECIALLY for exploitative wages) is not the business.

I also need to develop some personal discipline because while I've never been able to see myself overworking to make someone else rich, I can't have that mentality towards myself.  I'm inspired by a fellow female pessimist to start making money in my own way. 

Although, it's not a money-making venture, I've even started the blog I mentioned in this post. One thing I know is that I need to become more active in this thing we call life. It may be absolutely horrible but I still need to *sigh* make the best of it.

P.S.: the following quote is from the comments section of a Time article. It was a response to a recent college grad saying she was grateful to have a retail job even though she wanted more. This is EXACTLY how I feel about modern day low-paid wage labor (usually with no or prohibitively expensive 'benefits'; seriously though, when will the U.S. jump on the universal healthcare bandwagon?):

"I don't think you are selfish. I think you are ridiculously generous to be grateful that someone is allowing you to make tons of money for them while you barely even get a fraction of the value of your labor."

Ideas, ideas and a new job

So as usual, I have a bunch of ideas floating around in my head.

I will be starting another blog soon and just spent the last hour researching good, affordable tripods for tall folks. I plan to do a lot of photography on my new blog. My husband already has a higher-end point and shoot camera that he never uses. It's bigger than the smaller point and shoots so I just assumed it was a DSLR. Shows how much I know about photography, lol. But everyone started somewhere and I'm so inspired by the young women I mentioned here. If they can do it, so can I. I don't want to give too many details about the blog but I expect it to be GOOD.

Also, I have a new job. It's nothing I'm too excited about but I think it's good for me to get out of the house. It's a cold calling, data center job but at least since the company has a tech focus, I am learning a lot about new technology.

This wasn't supposed to be a gratitude post but my few days of on-the-job training have made me grateful that working at a place like this isn't my only option in life and that I have a husband who makes enough to comfortably support both of us.

I've also been wearing makeup on a daily basis. I think I will start recording myself on my webcam just to see my regular mannerisms.

OUT THERE

As part of my new interest in intentional busyness and thinking about what type of image I would like to project to the world, I've began to explore the world of makeup.  A nice chunk of my inspiration is from 2 lovely ladies from across the pond: Shirley B. Eniang and Britpopprincess (aka Patricia Bright). Their youtube channels are full of information on fashion (which is what originally drew me), makeup, and general life.

Although I don't think that's how they would describe themselves, I think they are great examples of what I call intentional busyness (however, the 'intentional' maybe a misnomer because I'm pretty sure they don't do it on purpose, they probably just naturally like to keep busy). Shirley is a  Mathematics student and runs both a popular youtube channel and a blog. Patricia works a full time consulting job with long hours, runs 2 popular youtube channels, is a newlywed AND recently purchased a home. They both started their youtube channels for fun and as a way to connect with other people who were interested in fashion and makeup. Now they earn money from these hobbies and they receive free gifts from companies.

Although I will do my best not to idolize people I don't know, I feel like I have a lot to learn from them. They started something for fun but they did not stop there. Both of them (as well as the lady who runs the ridiculously popular Cupcakes and Cashmere blog) have said that they continuously worked on improving their photography/videography skills. So even though it started as a hobby, that did not stop them from wanting to get better at whatever they put their had in. This is a lesson I've heard over and over again but still need to internalize: always do your best.

Another thing that stood out to me was how willing these women were to put themselves OUT THERE. Out into the big, bad internet. They put their faces, information and general thoughts on the net where anyone could see it and without the ability to take any of it back. And it has paid off for them.

I'm so scared to do that. In fact, I've began to realize that I'm actually too scared to really do anything. I have an inherent fear of life. I watched a video a few days ago that spoke to me. The topic was perfectionism but the woman discussed it from a different angle. I have always thought of perfectionists as the overachievers and as such never thought it possible that I could be one. Even though there are some things that I have done really well, it is usually because it is in a subject that I have a natural knack for; I've never been the person who would stay up 3 extra hours just to make sure something was *just* right. The woman in the video discussed perfectionism as something that could stop a person from doing and trying things that were really important to them because they were afraid that the results wouldn't be 'good enough.' She described herself as a non-perfectionist and said that this attribute is what allows her to come on youtube and speak in English even though she knows that she is not completely fluent (although I must say that I find her English to be wonderful, I've been complimented a lot on my Spanish by native speakers and I know that it is nowhere as good as her English).

This is the mindset I need to have. Always focus on improving myself and my work and don't be so afraid to put myself OUT THERE. With so many people in the world competing for the same jobs, it is now more important than ever to have a recognizable name. With regards to a blog, I think a good compromise for me might be to start off my blog anonymously and then add my real name when it gains a lot of attention (and money).