no one is coming to save you

I like to think of myself as a rational person but it is becoming increasingly apparent that I am just as irrational and prone to fantasy as the next person. Possibly even more so because I see the harsh reality of life and yet I still yearn and want my own situation to be different. Mine! One being out of over seven billion others. I know emotions mean nothing and yet I have been crying all last night and into this morning  as if that will change anything.

I know I am not the first person to be in this financial quandary. It's basically a commandment of Personal Finance: Don't Co-sign Anything! Or if you do, know that you are now as legally responsible for the debt as the original signer.

I knew this when I signed. I felt the sense of dread as I signed. I did not want to sign. I knew we were crazy over-paying for this car due to Mom's bad credit. (Mom knew it too.)

No more sacrificing for the financial black hole that is my family. I have done it too, too many times.

I should probably stop calling them too. Everything about my family depresses me nowadays. I feel like I come from a family of failures (with a few exceptions) and that they are dragging me down.

To be born into a world with inept genetic companions.

I should not have signed that car note no matter how much pressure I was under.

I can never forget: no one is coming to save you. no one is coming to save you. no one is coming to save you. no one is coming to save you.

Your family has shown you more than once that they don't have your best interest at heart when it comes to money. Stop letting the mirage and fantasy of the type of family you would like to have blind you to the family you actually have.

The one without a father and where 'struggle' is the motto.

It is what it is.

There are people in much, much worse conditions than myself and no one is coming to save them and yet my actions show that I somehow expect my situation to be different.

*sigh*

I fee like I should end this with some type of "I just have to make the best of what I have," but I am tired of doing that. Life always demands more and more from you. It never ends. I am so young and I am already so tired.

Life is an abusive lover.

The successful are just the best exploiters.

And the rest are just happy slaves.

And there are the few like me. People who just don't fit into the regular paradigm and are, for all intents and purposes, trapped.

No matter how much I run from it, the real world always catches up. I don't know how I will be able to live in such a world without finding meaning in work.

Wow. That was kind of long and disjointed. It really represents how I feel right now: depressed and tired with random bursts of frustration at the situation I find myself in.

But it is what it is.