Nothing in the Modern World Benefits the Average Person

I kept going back and forth about how to title this. I also thought of  "Modern Life is Too Complicated."

This might just end up being a brain dump because I have too many disparate thoughts running through my head. My thoughts are U.S.-based since that is where I live.

One example that stays on my mind is the concept of the credit score (also known as FICO score). Having a negative credit score can greatly affect a person's life. This is because credit scores are used in ways that go far beyond applying for credit. Credit scores can be used as a qualifying factor when a person applies for a job. They are often used by landlords to decide whether or not to take on a renter. They are used by utilities of all kinds (phone, water, electricity, etc.) to determine the amount a person should have to put down as a deposit. Notice that I have not mentioned credit of any kind so far; no loans or credit cards, just the basic necessities of modern life. The same applies to someone with no or low credit. AKA a person who either has not ever used credit, has very little credit (for example, only one credit card) or used to have credit but has stayed out of debt for a long time. Say 7+ years. People with no or little credit are seen almost as bad as people with bad credit. So you can't opt out without it negatively affecting you. Also, paying (non-credit) bills late negatively affects your credit score but paying those same bills on time does not have a positive effect. 

Now you may assume that you would be able to freely access something that can have such huge effects on your life. But no. In the U.S., each individual is only entitled to one free credit report from the three major credit bureaus (Equifax, Experian, and TransUnion) each year. And this only includes your credit information, not the almighty credit score which is what most utilities/loan agencies use as the deciding factor. You have to pay extra to get access to your actual credit score. 

Also, no one knows exactly how the score is calculated. The algorithm(s) used are closely guarded secrets. You can get a rough idea of the calculation here.

So I put on my thinking cap and started to ponder why such a complex system would be put in place. I mean I can understand why past credit performances could be used to predict future creditworthiness but why does this credit score have to seep into every part of a person's financial life?

I came to the conclusion that the system is set up to extract the most money out of the greatest amount of people possible. Institutions make money at every step of the process.  Here are a few examples:

1. The credit bureaus make money by supplying the information on your "creditworthiness" to all the groups that ask for it: potential jobs, landlords, banks, utilities, etc.

2. Several companies make money by supplying you information about your credit report/score for a monthly payment. The information that these companies provide vary in their reliability.

3. The utilities/landlords use the credit score to justify keeping a deposit of your money until you stop doing business with them.

4. The various lenders who use a person's bad credit score to charge them exorbitant interest fees instead of just denying them credit (which would make more sense if they really didn't see that individual as "credit-worthy").

5. The credit card companies who make money on both sides of almost every financial transaction. They get a percentage of the sale from the vendor and get interest from the cardholder.

Now is there a way to use credit without being burned? Of course, and you will find lots of stories online of people who have done it. Those who never carry a balance on their credit card, are always on time with their mortgage, etc. Those who reap all the benefits without being burned. But then there are many other people, about half, who don't pay their balances in full every month. Which leads to lots and lots of money being made by the credit card companies in interest.

This doesn't even include all of the mental resources a person has to use to keep up with all of this information. Or the frustration of having to correct something that is wrong on your credit report.

Anyway, I'm starting to ramble now and should probably wrap this up. I am thinking about making this a series.

What are some issues that you have with how the world treats the average person? Keep in mind that most of the stuff I mentioned above is stuff "privileged" people have to deal with.

Follow Your Dreams

I realized recently why I often find it so hard to motivate myself: I don't have any real dreams.

That's not completely true. The real issue is that my biggest dream is an impossibility: to not exist. I'm not suicidal (I wouldn't have the balls to kill myself even if I was) I just don't want to be in this world. In my heart of hearts, I find this world absolutely abhorrent.

If I had to rate my dreams on a scale of 100 to 0 (100 being associated with my biggest dream), I would put not existing at 100 and the next biggest dream couldn't rate any higher than 50.

Hmm. Let me start over. I think I have one real dream (not existing) and a bunch of compromises. My compromises include making a decent income, (possibly) raising a decent family*, avoiding as much pain as I can, and not living for a long time.

My biggest compromise is setting up a good passive income. I need to start that this summer.

What about you, fellow pessimists? Do you have any dreams? Do you follow them or does the meaninglessness of it all get to you?

*I know, I know. I shouldn't. I just can't imagine what else I will do with the next 60+ years. We'll see; I haven't made any final decisions. Maybe I can just keep postponing it until the decision is made for me.

If I Ever Had a Child

If I ever had a child I would have raise them to love work. Because that is literally all we are here in this world to do: work. Or I would have to raise them to be really skilled at avoiding work.

It would be more practical to raise them to love work since there's always work (made up or not) to be done and people loovvee hard workers.

God have mercy on anyone on this world who doesn't love to work.

Heaven Is For Real?

I came across this picture on Pinterest months ago and for some reason it has just stuck with me. The third photo from the top particularly had an effect on me.

I just don't see how heaven can exist. And I'm not even talking from the perspective of whether or not we have souls, how a being could live forever, etc. I'm talking about the idea of a place where humans are eternally happy. I just don't see it. Such a place could only have been designed with assumption that the world is the problem, not humans. I think a lot of the evidence points in the opposite direction: humans are the problem. Of course phenomena like illness and natural disasters contribute to human suffering but a large part of our suffering comes from issues within ourselves and the innumerable ways that people hurt each other. Basically, for heaven to be heaven, you couldn't be human as we understand the concept. 

To be utterly happy in heaven, you couldn't be you. But I don't think that that's how people think about heaven. I think they see themselves as they are (maybe a bit more attractive, smarter, etc) but without anything that makes them sad: "every tear shall be wiped from their eyes," etc.

Even some of the concepts mentioned in heaven (I'm talking strictly from a Christian perspective here) showcase many of the flaws of humanity. For example, people often mention living in mansions (John 14:2) and walking on streets of gold in heaven (Revelation 21:21). Wouldn't these be as vain in heaven as they are on Earth? If we lose our flesh (physical body), why do we even care what we live in or walk on? The fact that people get excited about this stuff shows me that if heaven exists, it won't be too different from what we have here.

And this is leaving out out several other critiques of heaven: the monotony of doing anything forever, the fact that many wonderful people who happened to be born in the wrong religion won't be there while many horrible people who were born into the right one will be, etc.

Confession: I have started attending church again. However, philosophical issues like the one I've discussed above just won't leave me alone.

I hope there isn't an afterlife and, if there is one, people like me can select the 'other' option and can choose to have eternal rest.

"Don't Have Kids If You Can't Afford Them!"

It's an oft-quoted statement. And on the surface it appears simple and self-evident.

But I don't think it's that simple. And more importantly, it ignores what human beings are: biological organisms whose main purpose is to reproduce. I know we don't want to hear that but it's true. We may tell ourselves that we're actually here to worship God, become better people, make lots of money, have fun, etc but the sheer (near) universality of procreation says differently. A few people throughout the ages have chosen not to procreate (Catholic priests and nuns being just a few constant examples) but they are the tiniest of exceptions. (I read a statistic once that stated that throughout history, there has been a near constant 10% of women who have not procreated. I don't know how true this is but even if it is completely accurate I wouldn't include all of those women since they many of them probably were infertile and actually wanted kids).

It's just not realistic to expect people to stop procreating for any reason, especially not something as common as poverty. 

The other side of the issue is that I don't believe that most of the people who say "Don't have kids if you can't afford them!" actually care about the children involved. If they did, they would take concrete steps to help the child instead of pointing out the parents' failings. I believe the real reason most people bring up this topic because it gives them a (false) feeling of superiority. They like looking down on the choices of those poorer than them and (falsely) feeling like they wouldn't make the same decisions if they were in the same position.

All of the above is why the cycle of childhood poverty will never end. Poor people are going to continue procreating regardless of their financial situation and those relatively well off don't actually care about other people's kids enough to help them and they like feeling superior in comparison to poor kids and their parents.

Montaigne on Death

"It seemed to me that my life was hanging only by the tip of my lips; I closed my eyes in order, it seemed to me, to help push it out, and took pleasure in growing languid and letting myself go. It was an idea that was only floating on the surface of my soul, as delicate and feeble as all the rest, but in truth not only free from distress but mingled with that sweet feeling that people have who let themselves slide into sleep."

- Montainge

"Where death waits for us is uncertain; let us look for him everywhere. The premeditation of death is the premeditation of liberty; he who has learned to die has unlearned to serve. There is nothing evil in life for him who rightly comprehends that the privation of life is no evil: to know, how to die delivers us from all subjection and constraint. Paulus Emilius answered him whom the miserable king of Macedon, his prisoner sent to entreat him that he would not lead him to his triumph, 'Let him make that request to himself.'

- [Plutarch, Life of Paulus Aemilius, c. 17; Cicero, Tusc., v. 40.]

 "[L]et us learn bravely to stand our ground, and fight him. And to begin to deprive him of the greatest advantage he has over us, let us take a way quite contrary to the common course. Let us disarm him of his novelty and strangeness, let us converse and be familiar with him, and have nothing so frequent in our thoughts as death. Upon all occasions represent him to our imagination in his every shape; at the stumbling of a horse, at the falling of a tile, at the least prick with a pin, let us presently consider, and say to ourselves, ‘Well, and what if it had been death itself?’ and, thereupon, let us encourage and fortify ourselves. Let us evermore, amidst our jollity and feasting, set the remembrance of our frail condition before our eyes, never suffering ourselves to be so far transported with our delights, but that we have some intervals of reflecting upon, and considering how many several ways this jollity of ours tends to death, and with how many dangers it threatens it. The Egyptians were wont to do after this manner, who in the height of their feasting and mirth, caused a dried skeleton of a man to be brought into the room to serve for a memento to their guests"

- Montaigne

"In truth, in all things, if nature do not help a little, it is very hard for art and industry to perform anything to purpose. I am in my own nature not melancholic, but meditative; and there is nothing I have more continually entertained myself withal than imaginations of death, even in the most wanton time of my age."

 - Montaigne

"All the whole time you live, you purloin from life and live at the expense of life itself. The perpetual work of your life is but to lay the foundation of death. You are in death, whilst you are in life, because you still are after death, when you are no more alive; or, if you had rather have it so, you are dead after life, but dying all the while you live; and death handles the dying much more rudely than the dead, and more sensibly and essentially. If you have made your profit of life, you have had enough of it; go your way satisfied."

- Montaigne

 "I believe, in truth, that it is those terrible ceremonies and preparations wherewith we set it out, that more terrify us than the thing itself; a new, quite contrary way of living; the cries of mothers, wives, and children; the visits of astounded and afflicted friends; the attendance of pale and blubbering servants; a dark room, set round with burning tapers; our beds environed with physicians and divines; in sum, nothing but ghostliness and horror round about us; we seem dead and buried already. … Happy is the death that deprives us of leisure for preparing such ceremonials."

 - Montaigne 

all via: http://www.brainpickings.org/index.php/2012/12/12/montaigne-on-death-and-the-art-of-living/

Percentages

I've been inspired by a group called the 5 percenters to create my own percentage breakdown of human beings. The 5 percenters, also known as the Nation of Gods and Earths, is an offshoot of the Nation of Islam which started in the 1960s in U.S. They have many teachings but the one that stuck out the most to me was the one behind the 5 percenter title. The teaching is that mankind is divided into 3 groups: the 85%, 10%, and the 5%. The 85% are the masses of people who are blind to the knowledge of self and God and hence are easily led astray and taken advantage of by the 10% who know the truth but use it to their advantage to control the 85%. Much of the 10% are in roles of power in areas like government, traditional religious organizations, etc. The remaining 5% of humanity are the ones who know the truth and want to help liberate the 85%.

Here's my breakdown:

• There are 2-5% of humans who are good. That is their nature. They truly care about people, want to help them, and spend a large chunk of their lives doing so. Nothing is going to permanently discourage them from helping people. I've known a few people like this in  real life. Mother Theresa is often used as the archetype of this personality type but I hesitate to put her here after what has been considerable criticism of her philosophy and approach. A better example is Stan Brock, the founder of Remote Area Medical, an organization that provides free medical care to people in the U.S. and abroad. The organization is completely volunteer based so any money donated goes directly towards supplies and other vital needs of the organization. Mr. Brock takes no income for his work, sleeps at the RAM headquarters, and does not have a car. It's not very often that I'm impressed by people any more but Stan is on that short list. You can read more about him here and here. This is the website for his organization.Someone's even making a documentary about him. There are plenty of other people in this category who I cannot name because they do their good works without media attention or societal praise.

• The next group is the 10-20% of people who are not absolutely good but they lean toward goodness and caring about other people. Given slight incentives, they could form the basis of a decent human community. However, given the current negative incentives, they are more likely to donate to a charity or volunteer at a soup kitchen and deal with other symptoms of the current system than  working to put an end to that system. One example of a person like this is a conversation I overheard in college between two students. They were discussing post-graduation employment options. Student A brought up working for pharmaceutical companies as an option. Student B expressed her reluctance to work for them due to ethical concerns regarding the medication trial process and how the companies generally target vulnerable populations in the U.S. and abroad for these trials. Student A semi-agreed but I could tell that it wasn't really an issue for him. Student B is firmly in this category because not only did she bring up ethical issues in discussion around employment, those issues were the first thing she mentioned. This the type of person who takes ethical issues seriously and would avoid what she considered unethical employment (even if it paid well) unless she saw no other way to make a reasonable living. 

• I'm going to skip the other middle group and go straight to the end group. I will refer to them as the predators. They are comparable to the 10% group in the 5 percenter scheme. They are the rulers of this world and are willing to do anything to get what they want. Their powers are relative. They could be a Bill Gates or the leader of a small tribe. They are not above any type of action or manipulation even though they may tell themselves they are. I would posit them at about 10-15% of the population. 

• Finally there is the rest. The majority of humanity between 60 and 78 % of the general population. Technically they should be neutral but I actually see them as somewhat evil. They are self-focused and have base desires that are easily manipulated by the predators mentioned in the last category. They are often ignorant and delusional. In the U.S. they will often support 'rugged individualism' type laws even though they live paycheck to paycheck and have skills that are dispensable to the market. If/when they end up up on government assistance, they are perpetually surprised even though they fit the profile perfectly. They tend to believe in the just wold fallacy OR believe that life isn't fair but that unfairness won't affect them even though they are painfully average. 

So there's my list. What do you think? Any critiques?

Which group (if any) are you a member of?

People Just Say Stuff

Many people who have ultimately escaped from the tyranny of ignorance have had so hard a fight and so long a time of repression that in the end they are embittered and their energy is impaired. In general, there is too much respect paid to the opinions of others. One should respect public opinion insofar as is necessary to avoid starvation and to keep out of prison, but anything that goes beyond this is voluntary submission to an unnecessary tyranny, and is likely to interfere with happiness in all kinds of ways."
- Bertrand Russell

"People think too much about the opinions others form of them; although this opinion is not essential to happiness...What goes on in other people's consciousness is a matter of indfference to us; and in time we get really indifferent to it, when we come to see how superficial and futile are most people's thoughts, how narrow their ideas, how mean their sentiments, how perverse their opinions, how much of error there is in most of them...We shall understand that to lay great value upon what other people say is to pay them too much honor."
 - Arthur Schopenhauer


I've been thinking about this post for awhile as I really take in the various memes and sayings of the average person and society and how much they contradict reality.

Here are some examples:

• You always have a choice
• Life is a gift
• God loves us
• You can do anything you put your mind to
• God is in control
• ... was better back in the good old days
• Etc, etc (please add your own in the comments)

In accordance with the quotes above and my own personal experience, I no longer take the vast majority of what people say seriously. Most people aren't really thinking when they speak and if you asked them "why?" they couldn't begin to answer.

Don't take it personally.

Thanks for the great advice Russell and I'm doing my best to put it into practice.

 

Thoughts on Overpopulation

I once had a discussion with a friend about the issue of overpopulation. She said that she didn't believe that overpopulation exists because, as of now, there is more than enough food for everyone. Unfortunately, much of it is wasted and/or not directed towards those who need it most. Therefore, focusing on population is a distraction since the real issue is improper use of resources. I mostly agree with her but have one main contention. While I don't think overpopulation is the (main) cause of hunger currently, I DO believe that since the Earth is a closed system with only a limited (although abundant) number of resources we will eventually reach that limit. Due to technology, it's hard to know whether that limit is 10 billion or 50 billion people.

My response to her was that if people are going hungry now when there is more than enough for everyone, can you imagine what the world will be like and how people will behave when there isn't enough for everyone??? With that knowledge, isn't it irresponsible to encourage people to breed? Especially people who are already suffering the most from the improper use of resources?

Of course, this is all completely theoretical. History has shown that people will breed in even the most decrepit material and spiritual conditions so expecting people to slow down just because some truly bad times may be on the horizon is complete wishful thinking.

Long-Term Thinking

One of the most harmful aspects of human beings is the lack of long-term thinking. This deficit causes so much wide-spread misery. It is the cause of so many of the most important issues facing our world today: food insecurity, global warming / climate change, dependency on nonrenewable resources, etc.

Perhaps even more unfortunate is the fact that long-term thinkers do exist but most of them use that thinking to take advantage of unfortunate situations and other people for the benefit of themselves and their family. There are a few long-term thinkers who care about others and want to use that thinking to help but they tend not to have power and no one listens to them.

Money is a Bad Incentive

That's the conclusion that I've come to after holding a cubicle-sitting job for a little over six months. I'm also basing this on discussions my husband and I have held about his workplace and my own. He works for a huge highly profitable corporation while I work in the public sector. We see the same issues in both areas. The same inefficiencies, wastes of time, never-ending meetings and projects, etc. They don't particularly bother me (I believe the vast majority of the jobs held by people, especially in the West, are utterly useless) but it tends to drive my husband crazy.

Finally, I've come to the conclusion that money is the problem. The problem is that people are working to make money. They are not working to make the organizations that employ them more profitable, more efficient, cleaner, safer, etc. Those are just after-thoughts (if people are really thinking about them at all).

People really work for the following reasons:

• to house themselves
• to feed themselves
• to send their kids to summer camp
• to get a (new) car
• to see their favorite performer in concert
• for new clothes
• etc.

You get the idea.

They don't work for the following reasons:

• to increase company profitability
• to become a better manager
• to gain new skills
• to become a better asset to the company
• etc.

Now there are a few people who work for the second set of reasons but from my experience and those I've read about, these people are rare. I'll call them 'hard workaholics'. These are the people who believe in hard work for its own sake (needless to say that these are a lot fewer people in this group than those who say they believe in the importance of hard work). These are the people who just need something to do. They will work hard at whatever you put in front of them. They can't help but to work hard and find it painful to sit still.

Another group of people is those truly driven by passion. As long as they are doing what they are passionate about, they are happy to work long hours and give their all to the company. The fact that they get paid for their services is really just icing on the cake. They would really do it for free. I refer to them as 'passion workaholics'.

Employers would love for all of us to fit happily into one of those two categories. Needless to say that most of us don't. And many people notice that for all the talk about working hard, getting better at what you do, gaining more skills, etc the people who often get ahead are not necessarily the ones who are best able to leave. The ones who are promoted are usually the ones who know how to play the office political games the best.

We Can't Go All the Way

It's been very entertaining reading this thread on the Ligotti fan forum. It's really a great example of how people  can only go so far in their beliefs and then they just stop without any warning and with barely an explanation. But they can't see that they are doing that and if you try to push them to the follow the evidence all the way to its logical conclusion you will be called all types of names. This is what is happening to Dima on that forum.

People don't want see other humans for the profoundly evil, or at the very least reckless, beings they are. I believe that this true for reasons of mental health.

A good example of this is ethical Veganism. And I use the word ethical to separate this type of Veganism from the one that is primarily associated with avoiding animal products for health reasons.

I remember reading online about a guy who said he stopped being vegan because he didn't want to see his fellow humans as unrelenting murderers (although he didn't use those exact words). Which is where you will end up if you follow the ideology of ethical Veganism to its logical endpoint. If it is wrong to cause harm to any sentient being for any reason and virtually all humans engage in this behavior on a daily basis primarily for reasons of pleasure and tradition, then that paints a very ugly picture of humans.

Dima is being painted as a stubborn, immature person because he is not leaving any room for a positive or neutral view of parents. And parents (as well as future parents) constitute the vast majority of human beings in this planet. We don't want to see the vast majority of the people we interact with as bad, irresponsible beings so we paint the person who calls them that with that same brush. Better that one individual than the rest of humanity.

This is also a way for us to feel like we are in control. We know that there isn't any way for us to stop any of the horrors that happen around us on a daily basis, so we begin to make everything a matter of personal choice. It's okay for people to have children if they want to. The fact that bringing children into this world inevitably puts them in harm's way is ignored and brushed aside even though that was what the argument was about initially. The closest we ever come to including morality in discussions around childbearing are statements like "as long as they can afford them." I find that statement (and attitude) woefully wanting in several ways but that's a post for another day.

Christianity Is of This World

It's kind of funny to me now when I hear Christians talk about not being of this world. And how they are just pilgrims journeying through here on their way to heaven. It's funny because Christianity, at least the conventionally taught doctrines, is VERY of this world. 

For example, we live in world with gross inequality in pretty much every area you can think of. People try to cover it up with simple, "life isn't fair" and "hard work equals success" doctrines but it doesn't change the basic reality of life as we know it. While I am typing this in relative comfort, there are billions of people around the world who will never see this level of material well-being even though they work ten times harder than I do. Such is Christianity. Just by being born into a Christian household I am ridiculously more like to become and stay a Christian than another person, who is not fundamentally different than me, born into a non-Christian family. As such, in accordance with the most popular Christian doctrine, a person like me is much more likely to end up in heaven than my non-Christian peer based on something neither of us have control over. Many Christian apologists try mask this fundamental reality with saying that once we hear about Jesus, we all have a "choice" to accept him into our hearts and if we don't that's our fault, not God's.

Now my response to that is, how often have you looked deeply into another religion? And don't say you know Christianity is the truth because that's what all the non-Christian people believe too. If you aren't willing to look outside your Christian box, why should you expect other humans to look outside their Islamic boxes, Buddhist boxes, etc?

But I am being facetious because I already know the answer. It's just too obvious that God has set up all of the non-Christian people to fail in reaching salvation the same way capitalism (at least as we know it) sets up the vast majority of human beings to fail economically. And of course, both entities blame the recipients for their failures.

Now I will admit that many of the things that Jesus did and said were not of this world, but Christianity is not really based on Jesus. It's telling that in the Bible there are 66 books but only 4 of them are directly about the founder. Jesus told us to not focus on the two things that are the most cherished and respected in this world: family and money. It is telling that many of the controversies in the present-day church: the acceptability of homosexuality, whether or not women should be allowed to preach, acceptable Christian attire, etc. were not discussed by Jesus at all. There is even a distinction between Pauline and non-Pauline Christianity (even though most people definitely fall into the Pauline camp).

It is obvious that Christianity is a as popular as it is because it is of this world. Doctrines and beliefs that are truly not of this world don't last. They are quickly subsumed by doctrines that play more to people's natures (God has a special plan for me, I will live forever unlike the other innumerable organisms on this planet, etc.)

 I don't know a religion that is really 'alien' in that sense. Maybe Jainism? I don't know enough about Jainism to really make that distinction.

Any thoughts on a religion that is not of this world?

P.S. I've also updated the Kindred Sayings tab.

Aren't People Ashamed?

I ran across an article yesterday that discusses the use of surrogates in India by people from more developed countries (U.S., Britain, France, Japan, and Israel). The article discusses why the women do it, the ethics behind it, etc. Many of the India women already have children and become surrogates so that they will be able to send their own children to school.

Of course the comments were generally atrocious with a mix of opinions ranging from 'this is so sad' to 'these women are making the best choice possible for their particular situations' to the infertile people crying 'but you don't know what it's like to be infertile and not be able to have the kids you want!'

As I read the article and the comments, I couldn't help but ponder a phrase from Two Arms and a Head: The Death of a Newly Paraplegic Philosopher. In the book there is a quote that has really stuck with me and sometimes it will just pop into my head when I think about a particularly crappy situation. The quote is: "God loves us? Aren't people ashamed to say such things?" In my head I've reorganized it into "Aren't people ashamed to say God loves us?" That's how I felt in particular as I read the arguments that tried to justify the women doing this in order to survive and care for their children.

Aren't people ashamed to say they live in a world that both allows and produces such grotesque poverty that it puts people in such situations? How can a person not be ashamed to say that?

It's times like these that I really feel that I'm actually a Martian and I wonder how I ended up on this pitiful planet called Earth.

Even based on the assumption that we can't change anything and 'that's just how things are,' I still can't comprehend that people are not utterly ashamed of the world we live in.

But I guess that's just me.

Unceasing problems

I'm not really looking forward to today. Or any other day really. Except maybe my wedding. I just can't escape the feeling that life is really just a series of problems. You fix one and another (or ten!) just take its place. This feeling really hit me this morning when I checked my email and saw my electric bill for June and July. I'm not sure why we're just getting the June one and we didn't even live in the apartment in July so... And they are both about the same amount. Does that mean someone has been living in our old apartment and now we're paying the bill? Or have the apartment people just been leaving the lights on? *sigh* I am jsut too tired to argue with the electric company. I'm starting to believe that there is a psychological aspect to bills apart from the profit-driven one. I believe that they are designed to put you in a low state of terror. You see the bill, it looks higher than usual and then you start to stress out. You call the company and discover that it's either your or the company's error. But either way you've still stressed out and wasted some time of your life. I guess the obvious answer is not to stress but of course that is easier said than done. Especially for a person like me who sees so clearly that the only thing separating me from hunger and homelessness is that thing that people tell you not to stress about.*

*money

The Infallibility of Motherly Love is a Myth

First of all, I got the job. I'm in my third week.

My husband shared a discovery with me a few days ago. He had come across an article about women in the U.S. on death row. What really surprised him was that half of the women were on death row for killing a family member and of those women, many had killed their children. He was trying to reconcile that fact with all the sayings we always hear about a mother's love, how nothing can compare to it, etc.

I told him I believed it was all a myth. Of course some mothers love their children more than anything else and will do anything for them. But there are also plenty of mothers who obviously don't. The proof of this can range from the world-wide phenomena of dumpster babies and infanticide to women who live with their children but literally have no love to give them. It's obvious that there is nothing about giving birth that inherently makes a mother love her child. And yet the myth lives on.

On a related note, I now believe that the worst thing a human being can do is bring a child into the world that they don't plan to take care of. I believe this because unless that child is very, very lucky (another family member decides to become their guardian or they are adopted by a loving family) they will quickly see the absolute worst of human nature. Because the truth is the only people who are even sorta, kinda, almost obligated to care about a person is that person's family. The rest of humanity could not give one-hundredth of a damn about that person. Even if that person is a defenseless child.

Ignore what people say about children being the future or the importance of helping each child reach their potential. Ignore how much they say they love Jesus who was pretty clear about the importance of caring for those in need. There is very little action amongst most people to back up those sayings. And this holds true no matter where you are in the world. From the high rates of abuse of foster children in Western countries (where they are at least usually kept clean, dry and fed) to the complete and utter abandonment of many of these children in non-Western countries where they are usually ignored or used for all kinds of unseemly activities that that I don't even want to mention on this blog. Contrast this with the many people in both Western and non-Western countries who spend unbelieveable amounts of time and  money on their children. Some examples that I know of personally include my friend from this post and my husband. My husband recently told me about his colleague who spends $1100 per month so that his TWO YEAR OLD son can attend a trilingual language (English, Spanish and Chinese) immersion academy which also has a focus on STEM and robotics.

I'm not really sure how to conclude this so I guess I'll just make a list.
1. Don't have kids

2. If you're going to have kids know that it's completely up to you to take care of them and prepare them for the crazy world you have brought them into. No one else will.

3. If you are or become pregnant and fear that you are in any way, shape, or form not ready to become a mother, terminate the pregnancy. Don't listen to the people who call abortion murder. Many of these people will not break a nail to help a child in need. They shamelessly drive around with bumper stickers that say "Proud Soldier" or "Proud Son/Mother/Wife, etc. of a  Marine." These are obviously not people that value human life. As for adoption, know that for the vast majority of people, adoption is the absolute lowest, bottom-of-the-barrel way to create a family. Also, I believe that as IVF becomes more successful and less expensive adoption rates will decrease and eventually cease all together. As it is now, there are plenty of other reproductive technologies for people who can't have biological children but would still prefer to avoid traditional adoption: sperm/egg donation, embryo adoption, etc.

Morals and Guilt

Guilt is a weird thing. Two people can engage in the exact same behavior while one feels intense guilt about the situation and the other feels nothing. And of course other people will have feelings everywhere else along that spectrum.

If I allowed myself, I would feel guilty about everything. It's so easy for me to see the negative effects of my actions. To be honest, I still feel guilty about a lot of things in my life but I just submerge those feelings in order to go on with life. I used to think about living on a farm somewhere and growing all of my own food, making my own clothes, etc in order to avoid buying items made with sweat shop labor. I even used to wonder how I would get metal and other materials I couldn't make myself while still avoiding sweatshop labor and oil. Yes I'm that weird and think that deeply about both practical and moral issues (my life would be so much simpler if I only thought deeply about one or if I used surface level thinking for both).

I asked a friend to be a reference for a job that I'm very close to getting. This job would be the beginning of an actual career for me: benefits, a salary, etc. I asked a friend to basically lie for me. I asked her to pretend to be my current colleague for a place I used to intern at. Once she realized what I was asking for, she told me she couldn't do it and said "my conscious would bother me and drive me crazy." She did offer to be a personal reference.

It's a weird thing. This person is very privileged. She is the friend I mentioned in this post. I will give some numbers that I did not give in the other post. The total COA (cost of attendance) for the university where we met was $50,000 per year. Tuition by itself was $34,000 per year. So total COA (over 4 years) for both my friend and her sister would equal roughly $400,000! Actually it would be a little more because the numbers I have given were from a our freshman year and of course all of these costs increase every year. Her parents paid for all of it out of pocket.

I remember asking her years ago if she ever felt bad about the poor people in her home country. She mumbled something about there being resources available for them. (Needless to say that this was when I still had a rather naive view of the world.) Basically she didn't feel bad for them.

Now her home country is rather poor and even just a small fraction of the money spent on her college education (not to speak of all of her private school education before that) could have made an IMMENSE difference in the lives of many people there. Even in the US it could make a great difference. And with the money left she still could have gone to a top-notch college.

And for this she feels not a drop of guilt (at least as far as I can tell). She also travels back and forth (by air) between her home country and the US fairly often and doesn't think of all the environmental damage she is contributing to and the many lives that have been ruined due to oil exploration. And of course she wears the same sweatshop clothes and eats the same factory farm meat and vegetables produced by exploited workers without a second thought.

And yet her conscience won't allow her to lie to help a friend obtain a job. Now I need to clarify that I'm not saying she has a duty, moral or otherwise, to help me. I just find it so interesting the seemingly random resting points of the average person's moral compass.

I guess she would be considered a deontologist while I'm a utilitarian (I think).

Earlier today I found myself watching a YouTube video of young lady discussing how she dresses modestly for the Lord. She named a bunch of mainstream stores. Not once was the topic of the treatment of the workers brought up. And this for a video that is all about moral issues. Apparently the Lord doesn't care if you wear sweatshop clothes as long as they are modest sweatshop clothes.

People are truly the same everywhere.

The old me would resent my friend for not helping me but the wiser me knows better. There will probably still be some resentment but I will (try to) keep it artfully hidden for when I need her for something else.

More than anything, I just find human beings so tiring.

Thankfully I have other options for references. I'll keep you guys updated on how the job situation turns out.

Transformation

I think I'm experiencing yet another transformation. My social justice period might finally be winding to a close. I'm starting to experience the same change I went through when I transitioned out of Christianity. At first I looked more deeply into Christianity attempting to find something that negated the obvious flaws, hypocrisy, and unfairness of the Bible and those who to adhere to it. Obviously, I didn't. Even from biblical teachers I personally trusted, I received a lot of emotionally-based explanations. The answers outside of those were either of the "you can't understand God's plan/ways/etc". or worse.

After a dip into the pool of militant atheism, I finally realized that people believe in God because they WANT to believe in God (well as much a person can want something when free will doesn't exist; but I will talk about that later). They believe in him past all manner of reason and sense. Their view of God is actually EXTREMELY SELFISH. It still freaks me out how people can go about worshipping a God that not only allows all matter of horrors and evils to happen in this world but (according to the majority of Christian denominations) is going to burn and torture the vast, vast majority of humans FOREVER (although I must add that not all denominations believe in the doctrine of hell. If I recall correctly, Jehovah's Witnesses and Seventh Day Adventists both believe that non-believers will simply be annihilated [both body and soul] on Judgment Day. There's also the concept of Christian Universalism). And they are okay with all of this as long as they get to have a personal relationship with God on earth and to live in heaven forever. In total, people are pretty much monsters and their monstrous beliefs lead to the world we have today.

What I am basically trying to say is that I am mistaken in trying to help people. From what I've observed, most people are okay and praise life no matter how bad their particular situation is. I am the one who can't just 'deal' no matter what situation I am in. If most people don't have minimum standards for their life (in terms of what they are willing to put up with) why should I try to force those upon them? I need to work on forming a life that meets my own particularly high standards. I will still probably always feel something for children who are unwanted and not prepared for the crazy and cruel world we live in, but I also need to remember that these poor kids will turn into adults who also have no minimum standards for their lives. They will become the adults who would rather be born into the most unfortunate situation than not be born at all.

Again, why should I try to force my (obviously very abnormal) standards on them?

Also, it's becoming increasingly clear to me that very few people actually care about justice in any real way. They only care when something unjust happens to them. They would be just as happy to ignore if it was happening to someone else and they will surely encourage it if they believe they will benefit in some way. The more I think about it, the more I realize that helping someone just gives them more opportunity to be an exploiter in this world.

And what's the point of that?

As I mentioned before, I don't really believe in the concept of free will so I can't really blame them for wanting to live no matter what. It's not really them wanting to live as much as it is their genes carrying them towards thoughtless reproduction.

I think this transformation will take longer than my social justice transformation but I believe it must occur because a social justice mindset just doesn't make any sense in this world.

I hope this post doesn't sound like I am turning into a hard-core republican. I'm not sure what I'm becoming, I just know I'm changing.

I live amongst zombies

I live amongst zombies. Every and anything is acceptable to them. They even praise God for all of it.

I really don't fit in here.

It's becoming increasingly apparent that I need to find some kind of meaning in my work in order to have some peace.

I must develop self-discipline so I can successfully run my own business. I understand that there's nothing particularly virtuous about things like hard work, networking, gaining skills, or self-discipline but I need these skills to even have a hope of escaping the life of a wage slave. In particular, the life of a low-paid wage slave. Working these types of jobs is killing me. I can't believe that I am paid barely livable wages in order to make another human being INSANELY rich. And the fact that I need a job in order to survive in this current economic set-up still doesn't change the fact that it is exploitation. The fact that this is what all employment (especially low-paid employment) is does not seem to bother most people but then again I'm not most people.

I'm not most people.

I'm not most people.

And that's okay. It doesn't make me better or worse than anyone else. I need to embrace my unique perspective of the world and find a way to thrive while I am here.

I've been saying this forever but I really do need to lead a more active life.

On a completely unrelated note, I recently reactivated my fb in order to invite certain people to my wedding and I was quickly reminded of why I quit. As soon as my wedding is over I'm deactivating again and even before then I am going to do my best to only spend a small amount of time on there. In the small time that I've reactivated, I've started comparing my life to that of others and feeling unpopular. Isn't funny how small a certain website can make you feel?

I'm looking forward to deactivating again and only knowing intimate details of my friends' lives.

Which reminds me that I need to cut down on my blog reading too.

Always Work Hard

I realize that I need to work for myself. I really am not meant to engage in low-paid labor. I would say that none of us are but some of my coworkers are not just content but feel the need to stand up for our bosses at any turn. All jobs feel like exploitation and low-paid ones are the WORST! They try to make up for the lack of financial compensation with a mixture of fake enthusiasm and fear. And these conditions are only going to worsen as the population increases and the number of jobs decrease due to increased mechanization. Also, employers are going to continue to put the jobs of two or three people onto one employee and they will accept it because they know that there are ten other people just waiting to take that job for even less money.

As this wise author put it: "We’ve been all fooling ourselves, while everything has gotten so shitty around us." All of this is going on and yet the general 'common sense' wisdom is still that of 'personal responsibility' even though no amount of personal responsibility is going to change the global people to jobs ratio. 

That being said, I'll dip into my optimism bias and say again that I must start my own business. I'll say this (and try to believe it) even though the majority of businesses fail. And many of the ones that don't fail make just enough to keep going. Way back in the beginning of this blog I wrote a post about starting my own consulting business. I don't know if I want to stick with that idea but I do know that I need to be doing my own thing. This nine to five life (ESPECIALLY for exploitative wages) is not the business.

I also need to develop some personal discipline because while I've never been able to see myself overworking to make someone else rich, I can't have that mentality towards myself.  I'm inspired by a fellow female pessimist to start making money in my own way. 

Although, it's not a money-making venture, I've even started the blog I mentioned in this post. One thing I know is that I need to become more active in this thing we call life. It may be absolutely horrible but I still need to *sigh* make the best of it.

P.S.: the following quote is from the comments section of a Time article. It was a response to a recent college grad saying she was grateful to have a retail job even though she wanted more. This is EXACTLY how I feel about modern day low-paid wage labor (usually with no or prohibitively expensive 'benefits'; seriously though, when will the U.S. jump on the universal healthcare bandwagon?):

"I don't think you are selfish. I think you are ridiculously generous to be grateful that someone is allowing you to make tons of money for them while you barely even get a fraction of the value of your labor."