I don't want to be happy

I want the world and life to be different than what they are.

That's what I've realized my last few days in this depressive/existentialist state. In order to be happy, I need to either not see the world for what it is or be okay with it or even champion the world as it is. And I'm supposed to do all of this while working hard to ensure my survival in the global economy.

And I really can't help but think: what's the point? All this struggle so I can survive on this cold, cruel world filled with mostly cold, cruel people. Oh wait, I forgot, it's all worth it because of "the beauty of a sunrise or butterfly." *sigh*

I'm obviously an evolutionary aberration. I shouldn't think about this stuff this much. I'm obviously much more empathetic than the average person and as I sit here typing this I realize that after 2-3 years of trying to escape my basic empathetic nature I have failed, miserably. And yet, with my basic empathetic nature, I'm supposed to live in this world and make myself happy.

I sometimes wonder if I should go back to my original plan for my life: to not worry about money and just go around the world helping people. I used to be super-Christian and liberal and SUCH an idealist. And now that I'm not any of those I don't have much left to live for. And my attempts at trying other philosophies to live for have also failed. I don't much see the value in 'hard work' or even 'family.' I pretty much don't see the value in anything. One of the things that discouraged from my original life plan was seeing how little most people care about social injustices and suffering. I was SO naive! I used to think that people just didn't know about all the suffering and craziness in the world and once they knew they would want to do something about it. I eventually figured out that most people know to varying degrees but they either don't care at all or they only care enough to say "that's so horrible! someone somewhere should/shouldn't do that!" and then they go about their daily lives. The number of people who actually care enough to do something substantial towards creating a more equitable world are  minuscule. This is before we even bring the fact that this minuscule amount of people can't even agree on what is a more equitable world or how to bring it about.

I just imagined myself sacrificing so much to bring about a more equitable world while everyone else continued to live their own lives. Lives that would actively counteract the good I was trying to help bring about. Eventually I just came to a conclusion of 'what's the point'? I don't think I've ever really left that conclusion.

I've spent all morning watching elifist/antinatalist videos. I know those aren't 'good' for my psyche in my current condition but I feel like those are some of the only people that GET the human condition and, this is important, truly SYMPATHIZE with it. Some people 'get it' but their only advice is that you should throw yourself even more strongly into this meaningless game called life. You should 'achieve', become religious, focus on the little moments, etc. By the way, doesn't that tell you that something is fundamentally wrong with life if what we must focus on is, by our own admission, little?