Perspectives

I just ran across the following blog post: http://www.firstmotherforum.com/2013/01/foreign-adoption-may-save-one-child-but.html

The comments are a battleground between adoptive parents, birth parents, and adoptees. All are slinging mud at each other trying to make the other "the bad guy." From my position as a complete outsider I can't help but wonder how none can see what the real problem is: we live in a fundamentally f*cked up world. All any one can see is how this fundamentally f*cked up world is negatively affecting them.

Don't people see a problem with the fundamental arguments? Adoption in a completely foreign culture vs. growing up in an inadequate orphanage?

Here are 2 comments which compare domestic foster care to international orphanages:
on orphanages:

• "Jane, I ask you…Have you ever been to an orphanage? Have you ever spent time there, talking to the children in their native languages? Have you ever had a meal with them? Have you ever had those children beg, promise you everything, offer you their favorite doll or stuffed animal, just so you'd take them with you? Have you ever held a starving child in your arms, watching it labor for breath? Have you ever walked into an orphanage for special needs children and have the stench of rotting flesh greet you? Until you have experienced those things, I respectfully submit that you probably don't know what you're talking about. And I understand that this will probably won't ever get published, but at least you will question yourself. Because, Jane, in your heart of hearts you can't possibly be so cruel as to suggest leaving children in the hellholes we call "orphanages"."
• "Here's the problem with closing or discontinuing international adoptions: many of the children age-out of the system and become indentured servants ( and are treated badly) or sex trade workers. To me, I would rather see a child be loved and flourish in an adoptive home than living amongst "its people/culture" and be given a minimal education ( if you want to call it that) and becoming a sex trade worker or lowly servant."

on domestic foster care:

• "Vidyana, For every child taken out of an orphanage, hundreds of thousands are left in orphanages. Meanwhile thousands of American children languish in foster homes. It's a zero sum game.
  Read the articles linked to in my post. You'll see that most of the people who adopt foreign children take healthy infants, many of whom were taken illegally from their families. Older children, disabled children are left behind.
  As for children aging out of the system and entering the sex trade, that happens to American children as well. Prisons and drug treatment programs are filled with former foster children. 
  Bringing children to the US doesn't assure that they will not be forced into the sex trade. Masha, a young girl was adopted from Russia by a pedophile. He not only abused her but used her for pornographic movies. 
  And yes, children are abused by their natural parents but being an adopted child places one more hurdle before the child. 
  I encourage our readers to read Peter Dodds' memoir, "Outer Search/Inner Journey." He was adopted by an American family from a German orphanage when he was three. He is one of the biggest critics of foreign adoption."

Here's a perspective from someone who suffered cultural loss at the hands of his birth parents:

• "I am full blooded Native American. When I was 2, my "natural" parents left our tribe lands and moved to a small town in suburbia. In order to fit in, they changed my names and their names, forbade me from knowing what tribe we were from, and never allowed me the full rights of being a tribe member. It wasn't until they died that I actually found out my tribe. I suffered horribly at their hands. My mother was distant and cold, my father was abusive. I suffer from PTSD and a myriad of other "typical" adoptee problems. Lay off anonymous, just because your an adoptee doesn't mean that you're the only one who knows about pain and suffering."

And  finally the perspective of a woman who 'did the right thing' and adopted a U.S. foster child only to regret it horribly:

• "'Meanwhile thousands of American children languish in foster homes. It's a zero sum game."Adopting from foster care is never a good idea. In fact, it's a horrible idea. The system is beyond broken. The social workers lie to you, there is no support, and the children are beyond damaged. How do I know? I adopted from foster care. Worst mistake of my life. My husband and I really wanted to adopt from the foster care system. We took classes, read books, joined the local support group, and spent hours volunteering at the foster care office. We developed connections and had a great relationship with everyone. Finally, after close to two years of waiting, we were matched with our daughter. She was 7 when we met her. After a year transistion, countless "consultations" with various "specialists" (referred by our social worker), she moved in with us full time. Shortly after that, we formally adopted her. It wasn't 6 months before how much we were lied to came to life. Our daughter was a violent sexual predator and had been severely sexually abused by her biological parents and her two former foster fathers (different homes). She was scary to be around. The social workers stopped taking our phone calls, our "support" team refused to meet with us, and even the specialists denied us appointments or canceled at the last minute. That was 4 years ago. We have spent close to 200k getting her help and she now lives in a special home. Her doctors are in awe of how duplicitous and mean she is, almost feral at times. We tried to sue the social workers and the state, but no lawyer would touch the case.We tried to do the right thing, and instead we got punched in the face. Both my husband and I are educated people (both have our master's in scientific fields), but we were conned into taking this little girl. Eighteen months ago, we finalized our adoption of our son from Russia. He was 6 when we met him, and now 8. He's a handful, but nothing compared to the very damaged child that our own state/county dropped on us. If I were you, I wouldn't tout the glories of adoption from foster care, it's not something so easy and wonderful as you make it sound."

I just don't understand how people can't see that there is not perfect answer to any of this and that by blaming others somehow all of the problems will be fixed. 

Here's my personal favorite comment (and by personal favorite I mean the one that makes me the saddest:

• "Wow. Just Wow. How could anyone, ANYONE oppose adoption? And does it REALLY matter WHERE a child comes from? There are orphans on every continent. And you know what? It is our God given right to be able to freely decide how to build a family. I get to chose how I build my family, whether domestic adoption, international adoption, or having a biological child. And as a proud mama of a Russian born son, I can tell you RIGHT NOW that he was NOT illegally adopted out to me. He was extremely emaciated and hospitalized from the neglect of his birth mother. No other Russian family would adopt him because he was so tiny and developmentally delayed. NOT that it is any of your BUSINESS, but seriously lady, think about how self centered and egotisitcal you sound. I'm with Vidyana-GO to this orphanges, see it first hand, before spouting off rude comments. I adopted because I was led by God to my child. I have NO idea why I chose Russia, I just did because I felt a stong urge that my son was there. Period. End of Story. Mamas know where there babies are. And regardless, if I adopted from Russia, Africa, China, the US, wherever, I still have the right to choose. And you know what? I saved a child... and that child saved me. I literally don't usually comment on these things, but you have just made me furious with your close minded remarks. I am just appaled at your cynicism regarding the lives of these children languishing in orphanges. And don't tell me that I don't know that the orphanages are bad. Excuse me, but I have been in one, and seen first hand the LASTING effects it had on my sweet boy. I will say, that I am praying for you Jane and whatever hurt you have pent up in you that you would pick these battles over something as miraculous as adoption."

So this person has a "god-given right" to have a family and yet children starve and they don't have a "god-given right" to food? It must be nice to live in such a self-absorbed world.