Not meant for this world

I truly don't think I was meant for this world. There is so much craziness and the more I learn about it the more none of it makes sense. I have an in-person interview in  a few weeks and after beginning to prepare starting yesterday, I have no energy to do so today.

I'm just hit by the meaningless and horror of it all. And I think reading the 'how to be happy' books are not helping. They just show me how selectively delusional I would have to become in order to be happy. I don't think I am built for that.

I've been reading two books on happiness: "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin and "Authentic Happiness" by Martin Seligman.

Both books talk about the hows and whys of happiness. Both also take the time to discuss how making the attempt to be happy is not a 'selfish' endeavor (this after going on and on about how happier people are healthier, live longer, etc). One example they use is how happy people are more 'altruistic' and think more about others. I'm curious as  to what they mean by 'altruism.' Is it donating money to a charity? Helping an old lady cross the street? Letting someone cut in front of you in line? What is it?? Because I can't help but look around at all of the craziness and suffering in the world and wonder what all of the 'altruism' of all of these happy people is actually accomplishing? There are so many problems in the world that could easily be solved by a bit of money or attention and yet they are not. But allegedly there are bunch of happy, altruistic people floating around doing....something.

I don't know. I just don't know.

I'll repeat what I said at the beginning: I truly was not meant for this world and it's a cruel joke that someone with my level of empathy is supposed to survive and thrive in such a cruel, cold world. Or maybe I'm not...